Monday, June 22, 2015

Zee's surgery: I had a come apart in church.

As I sat in church yesterday morning, all the stress and emotions I have been trying to control came crashing down. 

My prayer from the beginning of this journey with Baby Zee has been for God to be glorified. Not that I don't want that for the lives of all of my kids, but he is special. He is different. Because of his special needs, medical conditions, the whole ventilator situation and because of me being a single mom with a different color skin than his, we sort of stick out like a sore thumb. And I have always felt like that is a good thing. When people see me wheeling around my rolling ICU they notice us. And I want them to. When they ask me questions I am able to tell the story of how God brought us together, and I know He has already been glorified much in that respect.

However, now it is time for his surgery. 

We sang this song as he slept in my arms and I just couldn't make the tears stop.
And take my life 
Let it be everything
All of me here I am
Use me for Your Glory 
In everything I say and do 
Let my life honor You 
Here I am living for Your Glory

I pray daily for God to be glorified through Zee's life,
        but what I really mean is I want Him to be glorified through his healing. 

And that's when it hit me. What if that isn't God's plan?

Does my prayer change?

I thought to myself "Lord I feel like Abraham!" and then I thought "don't be so dramatic it's not like He is asking you to lay this child on an altar".......

Except that He is. This child. My life. His life. The lives of my other kids. All on the altar all for His glory.  

So, I will continue to pray for his healing but I will also continue to pray for God to be glorified, even if it is hard and even if it hurts. 

Please pray for this sweet baby who I love so dearly....